(Bu yaz\u0131n\u0131n okunma s\u00fcresi yakla\u015f\u0131k d\u00f6rt dakika s\u00fcrmektedir.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
En son a\u00e7t\u0131\u011f\u0131m defteri de kapatt\u0131m. Y\u0131llard\u0131r emekle tuttu\u011fum g\u00fcnl\u00fcklerimin her birinden birka\u00e7 sayfa okudum bug\u00fcn. Yazd\u0131klar\u0131m ka\u00e7t\u0131 g\u00f6z\u00fcme. G\u00f6zlerimden istemsiz akan damlalar\u0131n sebebi onlar. Ge\u00e7mi\u015fle \u015fimdiyi y\u00fczle\u015ftirdim. Aman Tanr\u0131m! Ne kadar da de\u011fi\u015fmi\u015fim ve de\u011fi\u015fmi\u015f her \u015fey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mesela asla boyatmam dedi\u011fim sa\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131n u\u00e7lar\u0131 art\u0131k mavi, en yak\u0131n arkada\u015f\u0131m art\u0131k d\u00fc\u015fman\u0131m, art\u0131k ad\u0131 Pamuk olan bir kedim var, maalesef ki art\u0131k denizi olmayan bir \u015fehirde ya\u015f\u0131yorum\u2026 H\u00e2l\u00e2 geceleri sayfalarca yaz\u0131yor olmam d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda her \u015fey de\u011fi\u015fmi\u015f sanki. En \u00e7ok da ben de\u011fi\u015fmi\u015fim. Eski, \u00e7ocuksu ne\u015fem gitmi\u015f, kalbimde kalan son sevgi k\u0131r\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131 al\u0131nm\u0131\u015f ve yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131ma ba\u011flanm\u0131\u015f\u0131m. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Neden mi bu h\u00e2ldeyim? \u0130nsanlar\u2026 \u0130nsanlar\u0131n k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc, sevgisizli\u011fini, vefas\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, nefretini g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015f\u00fcm \u00f6ncesinde. Sonras\u0131nda ise kalabal\u0131k bir yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa mahk\u00fbm etmi\u015fim kendimi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u00d6n\u00fcmdeki g\u00fcnl\u00fcklerden par\u00e7alar okuduk\u00e7a anlad\u0131m ki al\u0131\u015fabilirim duygusuzlu\u011fa, yapabilirim sanm\u0131\u015f\u0131m. Ama itiraf etmeliyim ki umudum hi\u00e7 bitmemi\u015f. Bunu \u015fimdi anl\u0131yorum. \u0130\u00e7imde bir yerde hayata, insanlara ve kendime dair o umut hi\u00e7 s\u00f6nmemi\u015f. Ben karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131 elde edebilmek i\u00e7in b\u00fct\u00fcn \u0131\u015f\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131 kapatt\u0131\u011f\u0131mda bile ayd\u0131nl\u0131k bir kap\u0131 \u00f6n\u00fcmdeymi\u015f. Sadece kap\u0131y\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131p kabul etmemi beklemi\u015f. Neyi mi? Var oldu\u011funu\u2026 <\/strong>Ayd\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131n da karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n da i\u00e7imizde var oldu\u011funu\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bir\u00e7o\u011fumuz birbirini tamamlayan bu iki kavram\u0131n varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n bilincindeyiz. Fakat neden reddediyoruz. Karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131 ya da ayd\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131 reddetmek mant\u0131kl\u0131 m\u0131? T\u00fcm d\u00fcnya karanl\u0131k ya da sadece ayd\u0131nl\u0131k olabilir mi? Ayd\u0131nl\u0131k, karanl\u0131k oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in; karanl\u0131k, ayd\u0131nl\u0131k oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 s\u00fcrd\u00fcrmekte bu evrende. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bu evren tek bir tanesi i\u00e7in olu\u015fturulmam\u0131\u015f olacak ki i\u00e7erisinde her ikisini de bar\u0131nd\u0131r\u0131yor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Do\u011fal bir dengede ilerliyor ya\u015fam. Ben, kendime yani benli\u011fime kar\u015f\u0131 \u00e7\u0131karak belki de bozuyorum bu dengeyi. Kimsenin d\u00fcnyas\u0131 benim y\u00fcz\u00fcmden sars\u0131lmaz tabii ki ama ya benim d\u00fcnyam sars\u0131l\u0131rsa? Ya kendi ger\u00e7ek benli\u011fime d\u00f6nmenin vakti geldiyse?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Eski yaz\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131 okuduktan sonra g\u00f6zlerimi kapatt\u0131m. K\u0131sa bir s\u00fcre \u00f6ylece, g\u00f6zlerim kapal\u0131 bir h\u00e2lde kalarak i\u00e7imde, sessizce ne yapmam gerekti\u011fini ve ger\u00e7ekten kim oldu\u011fumu, ne istedi\u011fimi sorgulad\u0131m. An\u0131lar d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc kapal\u0131 g\u00f6zlerimin arkas\u0131ndaki siyah ekrana. Sonra bir \u00fcrperti hissettim v\u00fccudumda. \u00d6zlemdi hissetti\u011fim. Eski beni \u00f6zlemi\u015ftim. Belki de ger\u00e7ek beni demeliydim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cZarar\u0131n neresinden d\u00f6nersen k\u00e2rd\u0131r.\u201d demi\u015fler ya\u2026 Reddetmeyece\u011fim art\u0131k. Ayd\u0131nl\u0131k beni de karanl\u0131k beni de reddetmeyece\u011fim. K\u0131s\u0131tlamayaca\u011f\u0131m kendimi. Dolu dolu ya\u015fayaca\u011f\u0131m, dibine kadar sevece\u011fim, kahkahalar ataca\u011f\u0131m, g\u00f6zlerim \u015fi\u015fip burnum k\u0131zarana kadar a\u011flayaca\u011f\u0131m ve hatta bazen nefret edip kin bile tutaca\u011f\u0131m. Hissedece\u011fim hayat\u0131 en derin h\u00e2liyle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Son defteri de kapatt\u0131m ve di\u011ferlerini de al\u0131p kitapl\u0131\u011f\u0131ma yerle\u015ftirdim ve arkama d\u00f6n\u00fcp \u00e7al\u0131\u015fma odama g\u00f6z gezdirdim. G\u00f6zlerime daha bir parlak geliyordu her \u015fey. G\u00fcne\u015f a\u00e7m\u0131\u015f gibiydi odamda. H\u00e2lbuki hen\u00fcz gecenin bir yar\u0131s\u0131yd\u0131. Bir anda enerjim de\u011fi\u015fmi\u015fti. Odam, evim, ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u015fehir ve hatta ben bile \u0131\u015f\u0131lt\u0131l\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyordum g\u00f6zlerime. Tek bir fark\u0131ndal\u0131k, bir insan\u0131n ya\u015fama olan bak\u0131\u015f\u0131n\u0131 bu kadar de\u011fi\u015ftirebiliyordu i\u015fte!<\/p>\n\n\n\n O gece, uzun zaman sonra ilk defa huzurla uyudum ve uyand\u0131\u011f\u0131mda bir umudum vard\u0131; ayd\u0131nl\u0131k taraf\u0131m\u0131 kabulleni\u015fimle birlikte benli\u011fime tekrar y\u00fcklenen umudum\u2026 Her g\u00fcn beni ya\u015famaya te\u015fvik edecek olan ayd\u0131nl\u0131k taraf\u0131m\u0131n bir par\u00e7as\u0131\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n K\u00fcbra Fatma Demir\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n