{"id":4928,"date":"2023-12-05T17:00:39","date_gmt":"2023-12-05T14:00:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.tpocg.org\/blog\/?p=4928"},"modified":"2023-12-02T16:02:02","modified_gmt":"2023-12-02T13:02:02","slug":"tek-odali-bir-ev","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.tpocg.org\/blog\/tek-odali-bir-ev","title":{"rendered":"Tek Odal\u0131 Bir Ev"},"content":{"rendered":"

(Bu yaz\u0131n\u0131n okunmas\u0131 yakla\u015f\u0131k olarak 3 dakika s\u00fcrmektedir.)<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Tam olarak hat\u0131rlayamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m kadar uzun zamand\u0131r birini bekliyorum. Kendimi tek kap\u0131l\u0131 i\u00e7inde gri duvarlardan ba\u015fka hi\u00e7bir \u015feyin olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131, kocaman bir bo\u015flukta kayboluyormu\u015f gibi hissettiren bir odaya kapatm\u0131\u015f\u0131m. Gri duvarlardan yaln\u0131zca birinde k\u0131r\u0131lm\u0131\u015f cam\u0131 olan bir pencere var. O pencereden d\u0131\u015far\u0131 bak\u0131yorum ara s\u0131ra, insanlar\u0131 izliyorum ve yine onu ar\u0131yorum. O odada bekliyorum. Dakikalar saatlere d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor, pencereden bakmaktan vazge\u00e7iyorum ve \u00e7atlak duvarlardan birinin \u00f6n\u00fcne \u00e7\u00f6k\u00fcyorum. Yenilmi\u015f, bak\u0131ms\u0131z t\u0131rnaklar\u0131ma bakarken saatler g\u00fcnlere d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor. Yine de g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u00fcyorum, umutluyum\u2026 Kap\u0131m bilerek kilitli de\u011fil, hafif\u00e7e aral\u0131k bile b\u0131rakm\u0131\u015f\u0131m gelecek o ki\u015fi i\u00e7in. Oda pencereden gelen g\u00fcn\u00fcn ilk \u0131\u015f\u0131klar\u0131yla ayd\u0131nlan\u0131yor sonra g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc a\u00e7\u0131p kapay\u0131nca g\u00fcn bat\u0131m\u0131n\u0131n k\u0131z\u0131ll\u0131\u011f\u0131 g\u00f6lgemi b\u00fcy\u00fct\u00fcyor ard\u0131ndan her yer kapkaranl\u0131k oluyor. Neyse ki kendime sar\u0131larak karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131 yenmeyi deniyorum, \u00f6\u011frenmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum. Pencerenin ard\u0131nda ise insanlar gelip ge\u00e7iyor, hayatlar\u0131 i\u00e7in durmadan ko\u015fu\u015fturuyorlar, bir yerlere yeti\u015fmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorlar. Hi\u00e7 kimse yolun tam ortas\u0131ndaki tek odal\u0131 evi g\u00f6rm\u00fcyor; yaln\u0131zca ge\u00e7ip gidiyor. Oysa ki o birisi g\u00f6rs\u00fcn diye kap\u0131m\u0131 aral\u0131k b\u0131rakm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

G\u00fcnler haftalara d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor. Hava so\u011fuyor ve ben \u00e7ok \u00fc\u015f\u00fcyorum. G\u00fcne\u015f eskisi gibi \u0131s\u0131tm\u0131yor, bazen \u00f6n\u00fcndeki bulutlar y\u00fcz\u00fcnden arada g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcp benimle alay ediyor. Ben h\u00e2l\u00e2 inan\u00e7l\u0131y\u0131m. \u00dczerimdeki y\u0131rt\u0131k ti\u015f\u00f6rt\u00fc daha da eskitiyorum, t\u0131rnaklar\u0131mdaki ojeler art\u0131k korkun\u00e7 bir halde, sa\u00e7lar\u0131m birbirine kar\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015f durumda. Duvarlar\u0131mdaki \u00e7atlaklar g\u00fcn ge\u00e7tik\u00e7e art\u0131yor, sonradan fark ediyorum baz\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131n nedeni; benim t\u0131rnaklar\u0131mla onlar\u0131 kaz\u0131m\u0131\u015f olmam.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hislerim karma\u015f\u0131k\u2026 Hayat\u0131m\u0131 de\u011fi\u015ftirmek i\u00e7in u\u011fra\u015fm\u0131yorum, evimi ayn\u0131 b\u0131rak\u0131yorum, duvarlar\u0131 d\u00fczeltmiyorum aksine daha \u00e7ok zarar veriyorum; art\u0131k pencereden d\u0131\u015far\u0131 bakm\u0131yorum yaln\u0131zca gri duvarlar\u0131mla konu\u015fuyorum. Bazen f\u0131rt\u0131nal\u0131 bir gece buna e\u015flik ediyor, karabasanlar tepemde toplan\u0131yor. Korkuyorum ama o evden \u00e7\u0131kmak i\u00e7in kolumu bile k\u0131p\u0131rdatm\u0131yorum. G\u00fcc\u00fcm kalmam\u0131\u015f gibi hissediyorum, \u00f6ylece o eski duvar\u0131n dibindeyim; \u00fcst\u00fcnde benim t\u0131rnaklar\u0131m\u0131n izi olan\u0131n dibindeyim. H\u00e2l\u00e2 daha birisini bekliyorum. O beni d\u00fczeltecek\u2026 Sonunda odaya bir mum b\u0131rakacak, biraz \u0131s\u0131naca\u011f\u0131m. Benimle birlikte hi\u00e7 soru sormadan odada oturacak, karabasanlar\u0131mla sohbet edecek, o tek pencereden insanlara bakacak ama hi\u00e7 d\u0131\u015far\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kmayacak. Beni odamdan \u00e7\u0131karmak i\u00e7in u\u011fra\u015fmayacak ama odam\u0131 de\u011fi\u015ftirecek ve onu bekledi\u011fim her aya de\u011fecek.<\/span><\/p>\n

Haftalar aylara d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015f art\u0131k \u00fc\u015f\u00fcm\u00fcyorum \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc bahar geldi. D\u0131\u015far\u0131dan insanlar\u0131n ne\u015feli sesleri geliyor. Aral\u0131k b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131m kap\u0131mdan duyuyorum t\u00fcm o sesleri. Bu bazen kocaman bir azap gibi, kulaklar\u0131m\u0131 kapatmak hi\u00e7birini duymamak istiyorum. Bazen kalk\u0131p o kap\u0131y\u0131 kapatmaya karar veriyorum ama sonra hemen vazge\u00e7iyorum e\u011fer o kap\u0131y\u0131 kapat\u0131rsam o gelemez.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sonra zaman kavram\u0131n\u0131 kaybediyorum, y\u0131llar ge\u00e7mi\u015f gibi geliyor ama belki de yaln\u0131zca bir saat ge\u00e7mi\u015ftir bilmiyorum. Sylvia Plath\u2019in \u201cSessizli\u011fin sessizli\u011fi de\u011fil kendi sessizli\u011fimdi.\u201d c\u00fcmlesi anlam\u0131n\u0131 o gri duvarlarda bir daha buluyor. Kendi sessizli\u011fime esir oluyorum, en b\u00fcy\u00fck kabusumu ya\u015f\u0131yorum. Ard\u0131ndan her \u015fey de\u011fi\u015fiyor \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc birisi kap\u0131m\u0131 \u00e7al\u0131yor.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Onu tan\u0131maya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum, bekledi\u011fim ki\u015fi de\u011fil ama birisi geldi. Saatlerce kap\u0131mda bekliyor, hayat\u0131m\u0131 de\u011fi\u015ftirmiyor, evime girmiyor, beni d\u0131\u015far\u0131 \u00e7\u0131karmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131yor sadece bir kap\u0131 \u00f6temde \u00f6ylece bekliyor. Sonra beklemek de yetmiyor, sonunda beni terk ediyor. Gitmesine \u00fcz\u00fclm\u00fcyorum bile \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc o bekledi\u011fim ki\u015fi de\u011fildi. Kimi ve neyi bekledi\u011fimi bile bilmiyorum; sadece birini bekliyorum. Kap\u0131dan ayr\u0131l\u0131p duvara tekrar \u00e7\u00f6k\u00fcyorum.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hayat\u0131m\u0131 de\u011fi\u015ftirmedi ama o gitti\u011finden beri m\u00fcthi\u015f bir hayal k\u0131r\u0131kl\u0131\u011f\u0131 ya\u015f\u0131yorum. Kap\u0131m bir r\u00fczgarla kapan\u0131yor. Duvarlar\u0131m\u0131n kenar\u0131nda ufak alevler olu\u015fmaya ba\u015fl\u0131yor, pencerenin \u00e7atlak cam\u0131 tamamen k\u0131r\u0131l\u0131yor ve t\u00fcm oda cam k\u0131r\u0131klar\u0131 i\u00e7erisinde kal\u0131yor. Her yerim yara bere i\u00e7erisinde kalm\u0131\u015f ama ben bunu y\u0131llar sonra fark ediyorum. Fark\u0131ndal\u0131\u011f\u0131m her \u015feyi de\u011fi\u015ftiriyor. Y\u0131llar\u0131m aylara d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor. Duvarlar somut hayaletlere d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcp beni itiyor. Camlar ayaklar\u0131ma batarken ben ayakta kalmak zorunda kal\u0131yorum. Kap\u0131ya baksam bile kimse \u00e7alm\u0131yor. Ben hep birisini bekliyorum fakat kimse gelmiyor, gelmeyecek.<\/span><\/p>\n

Haftalar g\u00fcnlere d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor. Evimin zemininde sis olu\u015fuyor art\u0131k g\u00fcn hi\u00e7 do\u011fmuyor, hep gecede ya\u015f\u0131yorum. Bahar hi\u00e7 gelmiyor ve ben hep \u00fc\u015f\u00fcyorum. Duvar\u0131mdaki o k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck ate\u015f kocaman alevleri ard\u0131nda b\u0131rak\u0131yor.<\/span><\/p>\n

G\u00fcnler saatlere d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor. Evimin i\u00e7inde bazen bo\u015f \u015fi\u015feler belirip kayboluyor, solmu\u015f \u00e7i\u00e7ekler, k\u0131r\u0131lm\u0131\u015f kar k\u00fcreleri, bazen ailemden kalan g\u00fczel an\u0131lar, bazense en k\u00f6t\u00fcleri\u2026 Kimse gelmiyor. Arkada\u015flar\u0131m, ailem, yoldan ge\u00e7en herhangi birisi ve her \u015feyden de \u00f6nemlisi o gelmiyor. O, hi\u00e7 var olmad\u0131 \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Saatlerim bana yaln\u0131zca on dakika hediye ediyor. Evimden \u00e7\u0131kmam gerek yoksa sis beni yutacak ve geriye benden korkun\u00e7 bir hayalet kalacak. Ayaklar\u0131m cam k\u0131r\u0131klar\u0131 y\u00fcz\u00fcnden kan revan i\u00e7inde, duvar\u0131mdaki yang\u0131n t\u00fcm odama yay\u0131ld\u0131 ve art\u0131k benim pe\u015fimde. Her yer duman ben bo\u011fuluyorum sonra duman y\u00fcz\u00fcnden mi yoksa g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131m y\u00fcz\u00fcnden mi diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Son bir dakikam\u2026 Evimden geriye yaln\u0131zca yanmayan k\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 kap\u0131m kalm\u0131\u015f. Son g\u00fcc\u00fcmle ona uzan\u0131yorum ve a\u00e7\u0131yorum. Bir dakika i\u00e7erisinde hayat\u0131m de\u011fi\u015fiyor; evimden kendimi kovuyorum. K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir k\u0131z\u0131n silueti karanl\u0131k gecede k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck elleriyle yara bere i\u00e7erisinde kalm\u0131\u015f elimi s\u0131k\u0131ca tutuyor. Arkamdaki evime bile bakmadan karanl\u0131kta k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck \u00e7ocukla gecenin i\u00e7inde kayboluyoruz. Art\u0131k ya\u015flanm\u0131\u015f bedenim onu takip ediyor. Dolunay\u0131n \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131 y\u00fcz\u00fcne vurunca ellerim daha da titriyor \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc bu y\u00fcz\u00fc \u00e7ok iyi tan\u0131yorum. O \u00e7ocuk benim\u2026 Evet, sonunda birisi geldi. Ben kendim i\u00e7in geldim.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Son bir saniyem\u2026 \u00c7ocuklu\u011fum, gen\u00e7li\u011fim, yeti\u015fkinli\u011fim ve ya\u015fl\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131m; t\u00fcm ya\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 kurtaracak olan tek ki\u015fi benim. Ben asl\u0131nda hep kendimi beklemi\u015fim. Son saniyemde t\u00fcm y\u0131llar\u0131m\u0131 en ba\u015ftan yaz\u0131yorum.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yazar: Ay\u015feg\u00fcl \u00c7\u0131kr\u0131kc\u0131<\/span><\/p>\n

G\u00f6rsel Kaynak:https:\/\/tr.pinterest.com\/pin\/611222980703445223\/<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Son bir saniyem\u2026 \u00c7ocuklu\u011fum, gen\u00e7li\u011fim, yeti\u015fkinli\u011fim ve ya\u015fl\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131m; t\u00fcm ya\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 kurtaracak olan tek ki\u015fi benim. Ben asl\u0131nda hep kendimi beklemi\u015fim. Son saniyemde t\u00fcm y\u0131llar\u0131m\u0131 en ba\u015ftan yaz\u0131yorum.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":80,"featured_media":4929,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,4,1],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nTek Odal\u0131 Bir Ev | Ak\u0131l Defterim<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Psikoloji \u00f6\u011frencilerinin kaleminden yaz\u0131lar.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"http:\/\/www.tpocg.org\/blog\/tek-odali-bir-ev\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"tr_TR\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Tek Odal\u0131 Bir Ev | Ak\u0131l Defterim\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Psikoloji \u00f6\u011frencilerinin kaleminden yaz\u0131lar.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" 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