(Bu yaz\u0131n\u0131n okunma s\u00fcresi yakla\u015f\u0131k olarak 3 dakika s\u00fcrmektedir.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
(Yazardan bir not: Bu yaz\u0131y\u0131 okuduktan sonra benim i\u00e7in Aaron \u2013 U-Turn (Lili) \u015fark\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 dinleyin.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bir \u00e7alar kasetin \u00fczerinde uyuyakalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. \u015eark\u0131 sesleri inatla y\u00fckseliyor, ben ise uyanmak istemiyordum. Bakkal H\u00fcsamettin Abi\u2019nin s\u0131k\u0131lm\u0131\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131, Candan Abla\u2019n\u0131n t\u00fckenmi\u015fli\u011fi ve sokaktaki herhangi bir insan\u0131n s\u00fcr\u00fcklenmi\u015fli\u011fi kaplam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 i\u00e7imi. 60\u2019lar\u0131n \u0130stanbul\u2019una a\u00e7mak istiyordum g\u00f6zlerimi. Nilg\u00fcn Marmara okuyup kendi kabu\u011fumun de\u011ferini, yabanc\u0131 oldu\u011fum hayat\u0131n ek\u015fi tad\u0131n\u0131 tad\u0131yordum. G\u00fcn\u00fcm\u00fcz sistemini, al\u0131\u015fkanl\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 sevmiyordum. Ait olamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m yerlerden alayc\u0131 bir ac\u0131yla ge\u00e7ip gidiyordum. Tan\u0131mlamalar \u00fczerine kurulu bir d\u00fcnyadan hissiyatlarla ge\u00e7iyordum. Bu d\u00fcnyay\u0131 ger\u00e7ekten ya\u015fam\u0131yordum; idare ediyordum. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Evet, bug\u00fcn bir farkl\u0131 uyand\u0131m. Hayat\u0131 b\u0131rakt\u0131m, g\u00f6revlerimi ask\u0131ya ald\u0131m, yataktan \u00e7\u0131kmad\u0131m. Bug\u00fcn kendimi sevesim de gelmedi. Kap\u0131m\u0131 kapatt\u0131m. Kedim birka\u00e7 kere t\u0131rmalad\u0131 kap\u0131y\u0131. Gitmeyince ald\u0131m i\u00e7eri. Zaten bir tek ona a\u00e7ard\u0131m kap\u0131y\u0131. Ba\u015fkas\u0131 olsayd\u0131 a\u00e7mazd\u0131m. O da anlad\u0131 bug\u00fcn\u00fcn farkl\u0131 oldu\u011funu. Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey istemedi, uzand\u0131 yan\u0131ma ayn\u0131 yorgunlukla. Yorgunluk da g\u00fczeldi onunla, duvars\u0131z olmak da. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hangi g\u00fcnde oldu\u011fumu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm. G\u00fcnleri kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131r\u0131yordum. Pazartesi per\u015fembe, per\u015fembe pazar olmu\u015ftu benim i\u00e7in. Zamana yeti\u015femiyordum. Bir baloncu\u011fun i\u00e7inde havada as\u0131l\u0131 kalmay\u0131 arzuluyordum. Arzulamak demi\u015fken bug\u00fcnlerde Naz\u0131m Hikmet\u2019in Seni D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmek \u015fiiri pek s\u0131k geliyor akl\u0131ma. Ben de m\u0131r\u0131ldan\u0131p h\u00fcz\u00fcnl\u00fc bir g\u00fcl\u00fcmseme b\u0131rak\u0131yorum yana\u011f\u0131ma:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSeni d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmek g\u00fczel \u015fey, \u00fcmitli \u015fey,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
D\u00fcnyan\u0131n en g\u00fczel sesinden<\/p>\n\n\n\n
En g\u00fczel \u015fark\u0131y\u0131 dinlemek gibi bir \u015fey…<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fakat art\u0131k \u00fcmit yetmiyor bana,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ben art\u0131k \u015fark\u0131 dinlemek de\u011fil,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u015eark\u0131 s\u00f6ylemek istiyorum.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Tarlal\u0131 bulutlar\u0131 resmetmeyi \u00f6zlemi\u015ftim. F\u0131r\u00e7alar\u0131mla k\u00e2\u011f\u0131da ufak dokunu\u015flar b\u0131rakmay\u0131 da. \u015eark\u0131 dinlemekten yorulmu\u015ftum. Yoruldu\u011fum her \u015feye k\u00fcsm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm. Her \u015fey yolundaym\u0131\u015f gibi davran\u0131rken \u00f6teki taraf\u0131mdan \u00e7\u0131kan dizeleri yok saym\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. \u00d6teki taraf\u0131m\u0131 m\u00fctemadiyen saklam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Geceleyin kendime ka\u00e7may\u0131, sabahleyin kendime varmay\u0131 bir al\u0131\u015fkanl\u0131k haline getirmi\u015ftim. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Toprak gibi derinlerde ya\u015fasam <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bo\u015fluklarda nefes alsam <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gece beni sarmalasa, g\u00fcne\u015fe varsam <\/p>\n\n\n\n
T\u00fcts\u00fclenmi\u015f gecelerde kendimi yoklasam <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u015f\u0131klar kapansa, saatim 12\u2019yi ge\u00e7se<\/p>\n\n\n\n
H\u00fcz\u00fcnler kalsa buharla\u015fan barda\u011f\u0131n a\u011fz\u0131nda<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ve a\u011fz\u0131mdan \u015fu c\u00fcmleler \u00e7\u0131ksa <\/p>\n\n\n\n
D\u0131\u015f d\u00fcnyam g\u00fcne\u015fliyken pencerelerim g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131yla buharla\u015ft\u0131 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mevsimler ge\u00e7ti, d\u00fcn\u00fcn \u00e7ocuklar\u0131 birikti <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Menek\u015feler, bu sokaklara u\u011framazd\u0131 bo\u015funayd\u0131 beklemek yar\u0131n\u0131<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sonbahar\u0131n yapraklar\u0131n\u0131 s\u00fcr\u00fckleyen r\u00fczg\u00e2r bulunmazd\u0131<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bug\u00fcn\u00fcn r\u00fczg\u00e2r\u0131 bir ipin ucuna ba\u011fl\u0131yd\u0131 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u00d6yleydi ki yar\u0131n\u0131 beklemek sonbahar kadar yabanc\u0131yd\u0131<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yine de sevdim ads\u0131z yabanc\u0131y\u0131<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yine de sevdim, yar\u0131na dair i\u00e7imde bulamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m her \u015feyi <\/p>\n\n\n\n
En \u00e7ok da t\u0131rm\u0131klar\u0131n aras\u0131nda filizlenmi\u015f ot tanelerini<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dizelerim pervas\u0131zca penceremin cam\u0131na \u00e7arpt\u0131. G\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fc, bug\u00fcn benim i\u00e7in a\u011flad\u0131. Ben \u00f6lmemi\u015ftim ama i\u00e7imde bir \u015feyler \u00f6lm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc. Birileri g\u00f6\u00e7 etmi\u015fti. S\u0131ms\u0131k\u0131 kapad\u0131m cam\u0131, yas\u0131n h\u00fcsran dolu esintisinin t\u00fcm oday\u0131 esir almamas\u0131 i\u00e7in. Kar\u015f\u0131 koymak anlams\u0131zd\u0131. Yas ya\u011fmurunun ortas\u0131nda kalm\u0131\u015f olmasam da pencerenin bu\u011fusundan g\u00f6r\u00fcyordum d\u00fcnyay\u0131; ikimizin aras\u0131nda olan duvarlar gibi, benim duvarlar\u0131m gibi, senin \u00e7itlerin gibi. Sana ayn\u0131 yabanc\u0131l\u0131kla, senin haberin bile olmadan veda ediyorum. Sen ve ben, bu duygu dilinde, ayn\u0131 yabanc\u0131l\u0131kla kalaca\u011f\u0131z. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yazar: Hazal Ezgi Yurdag\u00fcl<\/p>\n\n\n\n