(Bu yaz\u0131n\u0131n okunma s\u00fcresi yakla\u015f\u0131k 3 dakikad\u0131r.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hayat\u0131mda olup olabilecek t\u00fcm kimliklerden s\u0131yr\u0131larak, ayr\u0131cal\u0131klardan uzakla\u015farak, stat\u00fclerimi bir kenara koyarak, sadece kendi benli\u011fimle \u00e7\u0131kmak isterim bu yola. Beni y\u00fccelten her s\u0131fat, g\u00fcn\u00fcn birinde y\u00fckt\u00fc \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc bana; kendimden uzakla\u015ft\u0131ran, ruhuma zincir vuran, kendime yabanc\u0131la\u015ft\u0131ran bir y\u00fck…<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bilirdim ki, insan\u0131n kendine ait olan d\u00fcnyas\u0131, t\u00fcm \u00e7\u0131plakl\u0131\u011f\u0131yla ba\u015fka birinin bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131nda s\u0131n\u0131rland\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131 mercek kadard\u0131. Oysa aynadaki yans\u0131mamla konu\u015ftu\u011fum, g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm g\u00fcnlerimi hat\u0131rlar\u0131m. Benli\u011fimi yans\u0131tmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m anlarda yanl\u0131\u015f anla\u015f\u0131lmak, bir ba\u015fkas\u0131n\u0131n komplekslerine tak\u0131lmak veyahut \u00f6zg\u00fcnl\u00fcklerin kabul edilmemesi; sessizle\u015ftirirdi ruhumu, anla\u015fmazl\u0131\u011fa s\u00fcr\u00fcklerdi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u0130\u00e7imdekini anlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmak ve asl\u0131nda olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m ki\u015fiyi canland\u0131rmakla ge\u00e7erdi. Bilmedi\u011fim bir dildeki \u015fark\u0131y\u0131, biliyormu\u015f gibi m\u0131r\u0131ldan\u0131rd\u0131m kendimi insanlara. \u201cGer\u00e7ekten seni mi yans\u0131t\u0131yorsun a\u011fz\u0131ndan \u00e7\u0131kan her c\u00fcmlede?\u201d diye bir ses t\u0131rmalard\u0131 kula\u011f\u0131m\u0131. Tam da o anda, suskunlu\u011fumla irkilirdim ve i\u00e7imdeki \u00f6len her insan\u0131 karalard\u0131m bembeyaz sayfalar\u0131n derin sat\u0131rlar\u0131na. Ama bilmezdim en \u00e7ok kendimi yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131, en \u00e7ok kendimi saklad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131, en \u00e7ok kendimden uzakla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Var olmak, kabul edilmek, en \u00e7ok da sevilmek ne g\u00fc\u00e7m\u00fc\u015f bu y\u00fczy\u0131lda. Farkl\u0131 olmak, ne b\u00fcy\u00fck yaralar a\u00e7arm\u0131\u015f insan kalbinde, b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fck\u00e7e anlad\u0131m. Benli\u011fimizin \u00f6tesine ula\u015fmak, birbirimizi kucaklamak i\u00e7in ne be\u015f duyumuz yetebilirmi\u015f art\u0131k, ne de s\u00f6zlerimizin keskinli\u011fi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kendi benli\u011fimle bile tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131rmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir y\u00fcz\u00fcm var benim, herkesten sak\u0131nd\u0131\u011f\u0131m. Heybemde en g\u00fczel an\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131 saklad\u0131\u011f\u0131m, sevin\u00e7lerimi payla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m, h\u00fcz\u00fcnlerimi en derinden yans\u0131tt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u2026 En \u00e7ok da birey oldu\u011fum, var oldu\u011fum, kendim gibi oldu\u011fum… \u0130nsan\u0131n \u00f6tekiyle var olabildi\u011fi ka\u00e7 an vard\u0131r ki hayatta? Baksana, hadi durma bak etraf\u0131na! T\u00fcm do\u011fall\u0131\u011f\u0131nla seni kucaklayan, sana temas eden ka\u00e7 ki\u015fi var? Peki ya sen, sen kabul edebiliyor musun bir ba\u015fkas\u0131n\u0131? Hi\u00e7bir beklentiye girmeden, tek bir \u015fey bile aramadan?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u0130sterim sorgulamak, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmek, fark\u0131nday\u0131m diyebilmek. \u0130\u00e7imdeki sesle bir b\u00fct\u00fcn olmak ve ruhumun gereklilikleriyle hareket etmek, bir meziyettir bu y\u00fczy\u0131lda. Bir ba\u015fkas\u0131n\u0131n g\u00fcne\u015fine de r\u00fczg\u00e2r\u0131na da kay\u0131ts\u0131z kalamaz insan, bilirim. Ama daha iyi bildi\u011fim bir \u015fey var: Varolu\u015fumun anlam yolculu\u011funda bazen kaybolmak, bazen d\u00fc\u015fmek, bazen de durmak sadece, hi\u00e7bir \u015fey g\u00f6rmeden; ama en \u00e7ok ben olmak, birey olmak, kendim gibi olmak. Hi\u00e7bir y\u00fck\u00fcn alt\u0131na girmeden, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeden, \u00f6zg\u00fcrce \u201cBu benim yolum.\u201d diyebilmek. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc var olmak durabilmektir kendi ayaklar\u0131n\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcnde, kendi duru\u015funu bulabilmektir hayat\u0131n en derinlerinde, i\u00e7indeki ses ile \u00e7eli\u015fmemektir. Zihnimden ge\u00e7en onlarca, y\u00fczlerce, hatta binlerce d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncenin k\u00f6lesi olmadan davranabilmektir belki de.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bitmesini istemedi\u011fim, sonunu bir \u015fekilde yazamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m ne \u00e7ok an\u0131 var zihnimde; d\u00f6n\u00fcp d\u00f6n\u00fcp tekrar canland\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131m, kimi zaman i\u00e7inden \u00e7\u0131kamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m, hay\u0131r \u00e7\u0131kmak istemedi\u011fim\u2026 Bir i\u00e7 \u00e7ekerim en sonunda, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr\u00fcm \u00e7ok eski zamanlar\u0131 ve zaman\u0131n bile eskitemedi\u011fi an\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131: kendim gibi hissetti\u011fim \u00e7ocukluk y\u0131llar\u0131m\u0131. Gelir akl\u0131ma, m\u0131hlan\u0131r d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerimin karma\u015f\u0131kl\u0131\u011f\u0131 aras\u0131na ve d\u00f6k\u00fcl\u00fcr dudaklar\u0131mdan en sevdi\u011fim \u015fairin her bir dizesi:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201c…Ah benim nergis kokulu cehaletim…<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ruj lekeleri b\u0131rakt\u0131n bardaklarda<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anlatmak isterdin kendini durmadan<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bir barda\u011fa bile olsa.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ne diyecektin, ne s\u00f6yleyecektin<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u015eairlerin \u015fah\u0131 olsan,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bir AH\u2019dan ba\u015fka…\u201d (Didem Madak, \u201cAh\u2019lar A\u011fac\u0131\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Benli\u011fimizdeki karanl\u0131k taraf\u0131n ayd\u0131nl\u0131k yans\u0131mas\u0131 olsun i\u00e7imizdeki \u00e7ocuk, her daim kendi sesimizi bulmam\u0131za imk\u00e2n sa\u011flayan deniz feneri gibi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yazar:<\/em> \u0130pek Salman<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cKendi benli\u011fimle bile tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131rmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir y\u00fcz\u00fcm var benim, herkesten sak\u0131nd\u0131\u011f\u0131m. Heybemde en g\u00fczel an\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131 saklad\u0131\u011f\u0131m, sevin\u00e7lerimi payla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m, h\u00fcz\u00fcnlerimi en derinden yans\u0131tt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u2026 En \u00e7ok da birey oldu\u011fum, var oldu\u011fum, kendim gibi oldu\u011fum… \u0130nsan\u0131n \u00f6tekiyle var olabildi\u011fi ka\u00e7 an vard\u0131r ki hayatta?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":66,"featured_media":3517,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,4,1],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n