(Bu yaz\u0131n\u0131n okunma s\u00fcresi yakla\u015f\u0131k olarak 3 dakika s\u00fcrmektedir.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kendimde a\u00e7ar\u0131m g\u00f6zlerimi ve kendili\u011finden kapar\u0131m kendim gibi. Sahi bilir miyim kendimden \u00f6tesini, kendimden berisini. G\u00fcn olur uyan\u0131r g\u00f6\u011fe bakar\u0131m, g\u00fcn olur e\u011filir yeri yakar\u0131m. Bilmem ne \u00e7\u0131kacak kar\u015f\u0131ma; neye boyun e\u011fece\u011fim, neye g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcs gerece\u011fim. Bilmem benden yana m\u0131d\u0131r bu d\u00fcnya yoksa kar\u015f\u0131mda m\u0131d\u0131r t\u00fcm\u00fcyle? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bazen do\u011fan g\u00fcne\u015fi umuda yorar\u0131m; \u00e7i\u00e7ek a\u00e7ar i\u00e7im. Herkesi kendim sanar, inan\u0131r\u0131m. Yollar, da\u011flar a\u015f\u0131l\u0131r g\u00f6z\u00fcme; aya\u011f\u0131ma ta\u015f de\u011fse ald\u0131rmaz ko\u015far\u0131m. Aln\u0131mdan akan ter umudad\u0131r, g\u00f6z\u00fcmden akan ya\u015f mutlulu\u011fa\u2026 Pusulam sevgidir, daima do\u011fruyu g\u00f6sterir. Ge\u00e7mi\u015fim, badirelerine ra\u011fmen iyi hat\u0131rlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir zaman dilimidir. Gelecek beni heyecanland\u0131r\u0131r, k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck ne\u015feden tozlar serper y\u00fcre\u011fime. Ne varsa iyile\u015ftirmek isterim g\u00fcc\u00fcm el verdi\u011fince \u00e7ehremdeki g\u00fcl\u00fcmsememle. S\u0131radan g\u00fcnlerde kulak asmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m ku\u015f c\u0131v\u0131lt\u0131lar\u0131, birer \u015fiirmi\u015f asl\u0131nda. Bana ahenk f\u0131s\u0131ld\u0131yorlarm\u0131\u015f. Her birinin bir derdi varm\u0131\u015f ve anla\u015f\u0131ld\u0131klar\u0131 yerde kanat \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131yorlarm\u0131\u015f. Yine s\u0131radan g\u00fcnlerde ald\u0131r\u0131\u015f etmedi\u011fim zambaklar, beni huzura davet eder gibi kokuyorlarm\u0131\u015f. Her bir yapra\u011f\u0131n kokusu, burnumdan zihnime i\u015fleyen valsa e\u015flik ediyormu\u015f. S\u0131radan g\u00fcnlerde beni maziye g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcp kedere s\u00fcr\u00fckleyen bu vals, pusulam\u0131n sevgi oldu\u011fu g\u00fcnlerde bana dizimin dibindeki bah\u00e7eleri hat\u0131rlat\u0131yormu\u015f. Toprak, parmak u\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131 \u00e7a\u011f\u0131r\u0131yormu\u015f da bihabermi\u015fim. Parmak u\u00e7lar\u0131mla topra\u011f\u0131 bulu\u015fturdu\u011fum vakit, kozamdan \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131m vakitmi\u015f. Lal oldu\u011fum ne varsa toprak beni b\u00fclb\u00fcle \u00e7evirirmi\u015f. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n E\u011filip yeri yakt\u0131\u011f\u0131m g\u00fcnler ise omuzlar\u0131m a\u011f\u0131rla\u015f\u0131r, g\u00f6zlerim bitap d\u00fc\u015fer. Y\u00fcre\u011fimi kavurur y\u00fcklerim ve isyan ederim. Renklerin bir anlam\u0131 yoktur bana g\u00fcne\u015fi getirmediklerinden. Sesleri duymaz kulaklar\u0131m istediklerimi s\u00f6ylemediklerinden. Zambaklar sarho\u015f eder beni, allak bullak olur akl\u0131m. Beni istedi\u011fim yerde hissettiremediklerinden\u2026 Parmak u\u00e7lar\u0131m s\u0131zlar, ate\u015f olur, k\u00fcl eder topra\u011f\u0131. Topra\u011f\u0131n benden al\u0131p g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fckleri y\u00fcz\u00fcnden\u2026 \u00c7\u0131k\u0131\u015f yolu nerededir bu buhrandan, yok mudur bir pencere perdesini aralay\u0131p g\u00f6\u011fe bakabilece\u011fim, diye arar dururum. Ta ki g\u00fcne\u015f yeniden do\u011fup bana pusulam\u0131 an\u0131msatana kadar\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n Eslem Uyar <\/p>\n\n\n\n