{"id":4870,"date":"2023-10-31T19:06:03","date_gmt":"2023-10-31T16:06:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.tpocg.org\/blog\/?p=4870"},"modified":"2023-10-31T19:05:00","modified_gmt":"2023-10-31T16:05:00","slug":"beni-bekleme","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.tpocg.org\/blog\/beni-bekleme","title":{"rendered":"Beni Bekleme"},"content":{"rendered":"

(Bu yaz\u0131n\u0131n okunmas\u0131 yakla\u015f\u0131k olarak 3 dakika s\u00fcrmektedir.)<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Sordum: \u201cBeni hala bekliyor musun peki?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBekliyorum.\u201d dedi.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHat\u0131rl\u0131yor musun bir kahve fal\u0131nda \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015ft\u0131m sana. Senin taraf\u0131ndan hi\u00e7 sevilmeyece\u011fimin vurgusu vard\u0131 bizim ba\u015flang\u0131c\u0131m\u0131zda. Sen kahve fal\u0131n\u0131 bana anlatt\u0131\u011f\u0131nda \u2018O ben de\u011filim.\u2019 demi\u015ftim ya, kahvede \u00e7\u0131kan sevilmemi\u015fli\u011fimin k\u0131rk y\u0131l boyunca \u00fcst\u00fcm\u00fczde hatr\u0131 say\u0131laca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmedim hi\u00e7<\/strong>.<\/strong> Zaman bizden ge\u00e7ti, biz de kendimizden ge\u00e7tik ama fal do\u011fru \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131. Ben de gitmek istedim art\u0131k senin baht\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131k olmayan kaderinden. \u00d6yle ki senin kaderin benim kederimdi. Benim kederim de sana hep bir beden b\u00fcy\u00fck gelirdi ve tek ba\u015f\u0131ma s\u0131rtlan\u0131rd\u0131m kaderinin cilvesini. O y\u00fczden beni bekleme, ben kendi kahve fal\u0131mda yer almak istiyorum.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ka\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7atarak sordu: \u201cBu son muydu yani? Gelmeyecek misin bir daha?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGelmeyece\u011fim, evet. Umuyorum ki bu sefer gelmeyece\u011fim sana. Zaten hayat bize hep zordu, sen yaral\u0131yd\u0131n ben de kanard\u0131m. \u0130ki yar\u0131m bir tam eder mi sand\u0131k bilmem. Hem belki bu sadece benim varsay\u0131m\u0131md\u0131, ben seninle tamamlanmak istedi\u011fimden midir nedir senin yar\u0131m kal\u0131\u015f\u0131n\u0131 da kendimle tamamlar\u0131m sand\u0131m. Hah, zaten senin benimle tamamlanmak istememenken b\u00f6yle bir varsay\u0131ma bel ba\u011flayarak hep sana ko\u015fmalar\u0131md\u0131 beni bitiren de. \u00d6yle kar\u0131\u015f\u0131k, \u00f6yle da\u011f\u0131n\u0131k bir mant\u0131\u011f\u0131m vard\u0131 benim. H\u00e2l\u00e2 olduk\u00e7a b\u00f6l\u00fck p\u00f6r\u00e7\u00fck fikirler \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yor akl\u0131mdan. Ancak en do\u011frusununun gitmem oldu\u011funu g\u00f6rebilecek kadar kald\u0131rabildim g\u00f6z\u00fcme inen sisleri.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Gelece\u011fim pek parlak de\u011fil, bug\u00fcn\u00fcm karanl\u0131ktan hallice ve d\u00fcn\u00fcm bir batakl\u0131k. Ve bu batakl\u0131k da seni \u00e7ekiyor i\u00e7ine her karanl\u0131k \u00e7\u00f6kt\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde. Ben de inatla ayd\u0131nl\u0131\u011fa \u00e7\u0131kmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum. \u00c7ok yoruldum batakl\u0131\u011f\u0131n ortas\u0131nda karanl\u0131kta kalmaktan, seni de alamam yan\u0131ma. En az\u0131ndan seni kendi fal\u0131na emanet etmeliyim. Benimkinde yaln\u0131z benim kederim olmal\u0131, senin kaderin senin fincan\u0131nda yaz\u0131yor zaten. O y\u00fczden bu sondu. Bazen \u00e7ok istesem dahi seni yan\u0131ma \u00e7ekmeyi, bu sondu. Umuyorum \u00f6yleydi.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u0130\u00e7 \u00e7ekercesine nefes ald\u0131. B\u0131km\u0131\u015ft\u0131 benden bariz. \u201cBen seni hi\u00e7 kendi fal\u0131ma hapsetmedim. Kaderimi kederine m\u00e2l eden de sendin, kendine yaratt\u0131\u011f\u0131n karanl\u0131klar\u0131 bana m\u00e2l eden de. Sen kendi duygular\u0131n\u0131n vebalini hep bana y\u00fckledin, oysa ben sana bir b\u00fct\u00fcn edece\u011fimizin s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc hi\u00e7bir zaman vermedim. Yar\u0131m kalmay\u0131 g\u00f6ze alarak b\u00fct\u00fcn olma arzusunu ta\u015f\u0131yan da hep sendin. K\u0131rk y\u0131l hatr\u0131 say\u0131lan sevilmemi\u015fli\u011fin de\u011fildi, sen seni sevmeyenlerce sevilmeyi diledin sadece. Sonra kurak topraklara \u00e7i\u00e7ek vermiyor diye topra\u011fa k\u0131zd\u0131n. Oysa \u00e7i\u00e7ek a\u00e7mayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilerek inatla topra\u011f\u0131 sulamaya devam eden de sendin. Kendi yaratt\u0131\u011f\u0131n bir oyunda yenilip durdun ve canavar\u0131 kar\u015f\u0131ndaki yapt\u0131n. B\u00f6l\u00fcm sonu hep sana ac\u0131 veren bir d\u00f6ng\u00fcn\u00fcn ba\u015flang\u0131c\u0131yd\u0131 ve sen durmadan yenilip yenilip ayn\u0131 oyuna tekrar ba\u015flad\u0131n. Ben sana de\u011fer verdim, sevdim ve dinledim. Sen benim sana verdi\u011fim de\u011feri aram\u0131yordun ben de senin benden istedi\u011fin sevgiyi sana veremiyordum sadece.\u201c<\/span><\/p>\n

G\u00f6zlerim doldu. Baz\u0131 ac\u0131 veren s\u00f6zler ne kadar da do\u011fruydu! \u201cAma sen bana \u00e7i\u00e7ek vaat etmeyen bir ormand\u0131n. Her geli\u015fimde \u00e7i\u00e7ek a\u00e7t\u0131r\u0131r\u0131m sand\u0131m. Tamamen kurak oldu\u011funu bilseydim seni bunca zaman sular m\u0131yd\u0131m! Sen fark etmeden bana koca orman\u0131n en kurak k\u00f6\u015fesinden yer ay\u0131rd\u0131n ve geri kalan ye\u015filli\u011fi izleterek umutlanmamam\u0131 istedin. Bu nas\u0131l vaat etmemektir, bu nas\u0131l bir verilmemi\u015f s\u00f6zd\u00fcr? Sen benim kendime kurdu\u011fum oyunu benimle oynad\u0131n, ben tek ba\u015f\u0131ma yenilmedim. Kar\u015f\u0131mdaki canavar sen de\u011fildin ama ben i\u00e7imde biraz da seninle m\u00fccadele verdim. Sen bana hep beni sevmeyece\u011fini s\u00f6yleyip d\u00f6rt elle sar\u0131ld\u0131n hayat\u0131ma. Senden ka\u00e7maya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131k\u00e7a sende buldum kendimi. Ben tek ba\u015f\u0131ma, yaln\u0131z bana vaat etmedi\u011fin hislere heves besleyerek buralara kadar gelmi\u015f olsayd\u0131m e\u011fer s\u00f6yle bana, nas\u0131l senden sana ka\u00e7abilirdim? S\u00f6yle, ben nas\u0131l senin kap\u0131n\u0131n aral\u0131k k\u0131sm\u0131ndan i\u00e7eri s\u0131z\u0131p neden \u00e7i\u00e7e\u011fi art\u0131k sulamamam gerekti\u011fini anlatabilirdim kendime? Sen hi\u00e7 orada olmayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 s\u00f6ylerken bile asl\u0131nda hep var oldu\u011funu g\u00f6rmedin, ben izledi\u011fim ye\u015fillikler bir g\u00fcn benim sulad\u0131\u011f\u0131m topraklara da renk verir diye bekledim. Senin g\u00f6rmediklerin y\u00fcz\u00fcnden ben i\u00e7imdeki yenilgilerin h\u00fckm\u00fcn\u00fc sana giydirdim, sen veremeyece\u011fin \u015feyleri senden bekliyorum diye beni i\u00e7ine hapsedip g\u00fcnden g\u00fcne cezam\u0131 kestin. <\/span>Belki evet, ben hi\u00e7 \u00e7i\u00e7ek a\u00e7mamas\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6ze alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, sulad\u0131\u011f\u0131m toprak da kurakt\u0131. Ama sen bana kurakken nas\u0131l canl\u0131 ve \u00e7i\u00e7eklerle dolu olabilece\u011fini de g\u00f6sterip benden \u00e7i\u00e7ek beklemememi istedin.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Sustu bir s\u00fcre. Ne konu\u015fsak hak verecektik birbirimize ne de kalsak yetecekti ikimize. \u201cGit o zaman, ben \u00e7i\u00e7ek a\u00e7mayaca\u011f\u0131m ve sen de sulamay\u0131 b\u0131rakmayacaks\u0131n. Ben d\u00fczelelim isterdim, gitmemeni dilerdim ancak b\u00f6yle y\u00fcz\u00fcn tekrar ye\u015ferecekse git. Beklemem d\u00f6nmeni.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Toplad\u0131m kendimi, kendimden kalanlar\u0131. Ve ans\u0131z\u0131n bir gece gittim. Bir \u201c\u0130yi misin?\u201d sorusuna istinaden \u00e7ekip gittim bu hikayeden. \u015eimdi o beklemeyecekti, ben de d\u00f6nmeyecektim. Kurak topraklar hep kurak kalacakt\u0131, ben de art\u0131k \u00e7ehremi sulamay\u0131 b\u0131rakacakt\u0131m. Her elveda edi\u015fim sondu asl\u0131nda ama bu sefer hepsini i\u00e7imdeki yar\u0131mla tamamlayacakt\u0131m\u00a0bir\u00a0bir.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*M\u00fczik \u00d6nerisi: Kaan Tang\u00f6ze-Kalmak T\u00fcrk\u00fcs\u00fc<\/span><\/p>\n

Yazar: Almina Kesler<\/span><\/p>\n

G\u00f6rsel Kaynak: <\/span>https:\/\/pin.it\/4ie6L5D<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hat\u0131rl\u0131yor musun bir kahve fal\u0131nda \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015ft\u0131m sana. Senin taraf\u0131ndan hi\u00e7 sevilmeyece\u011fimin vurgusu vard\u0131 bizim ba\u015flang\u0131c\u0131m\u0131zda. Sen kahve fal\u0131n\u0131 bana anlatt\u0131\u011f\u0131nda \u2018O ben de\u011filim.\u2019 demi\u015ftim ya, kahvede \u00e7\u0131kan sevilmemi\u015fli\u011fimin k\u0131rk y\u0131l boyunca \u00fcst\u00fcm\u00fczde hatr\u0131 say\u0131laca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmedim hi\u00e7.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":76,"featured_media":4871,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,4,1],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nBeni Bekleme | Ak\u0131l Defterim<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Psikoloji \u00f6\u011frencilerinin kaleminden yaz\u0131lar.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"http:\/\/www.tpocg.org\/blog\/beni-bekleme\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"tr_TR\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" 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