(Bu yaz\u0131n\u0131n okunmas\u0131 yakla\u015f\u0131k olarak 3 dakika s\u00fcrmektedir.)<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n
Nereden ba\u015flasam bilemedim; ben de bir sayfa sonras\u0131ndan, biraz da ortadan ba\u015flad\u0131m yazmaya. Bir yerden ba\u015flarsam devam\u0131 gelirdi nas\u0131l olsa. Bazen t\u0131kan\u0131rs\u0131n tam ba\u015flam\u0131\u015fken anlatmaya, sonra yeni bir sayfa a\u00e7ars\u0131n. Bu sefer ba\u015fka bir konuya de\u011finirsin belki ama devam edersin, durmazs\u0131n. B\u00f6yle b\u00f6yle t\u0131kand\u0131\u011f\u0131n sayfaya bir anlam verebilirsin. Ya da veremezsin ve yitirirsin ancak elinde yine de bir \u015fey kal\u0131r. Nihayetinde yazmak yola \u00e7\u0131kmakt\u0131r, bir var\u0131\u015f noktas\u0131 de\u011fil. O h\u00e2lde nereden ba\u015flayaca\u011f\u0131m kayg\u0131s\u0131 kadar nereye varaca\u011f\u0131m kayg\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n da bir \u00f6nemi yoktur \u00e7o\u011fu zaman. Yazmaya ba\u015flaman\u0131n kendisidir m\u00fchim olan. \u00d6yle ya baz\u0131 hik\u00e2yelerin sonu tamamlanmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131r, tamamlanmaya gereksinimi de yoktur. Yaz\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131 kadar\u0131yla tamd\u0131r o. \u015eimdi diyebilirsiniz ki peki ya ne yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z..? Ne yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n bir \u00f6nemi varsa e\u011fer yazmaya ba\u015flad\u0131ktan sonra a\u00e7\u0131\u011fa \u00e7\u0131kacakt\u0131r.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0Ya\u015fam hik\u00e2yelerimizi yazmak da bunun gibidir. Tabii deneyimlerimizi bir m\u00fcrekkep, haf\u0131zam\u0131z\u0131 da bir k\u00e2\u011f\u0131t gibi kullanarak her \u00e2n yazmakta oldu\u011fumuz bir hik\u00e2ye bu… \u0130lk ad\u0131m\u0131 nas\u0131l ataca\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 bilmesek de ad\u0131mlar\u0131m\u0131z bizi nereye g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcr hesaplayamasak da yolda bizi nelerin bekledi\u011finden emin olamasak da yazmaya \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z; bazen duraksay\u0131p yolu de\u011fi\u015ftirdi\u011fimiz ama yine de yola devam etti\u011fimiz… Anlam\u0131n\u0131 varl\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan de\u011fil, varolu\u015fsall\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan alabilen bir hik\u00e2ye… Nihayetinde hepimiz var\u0131z o veya bu \u015fekilde. \u0130\u015fte bu nedenlerle ya\u015fam hik\u00e2yemizin ehemmiyeti ancak ya\u015fand\u0131\u011f\u0131 takdirde ortaya \u00e7\u0131kabilir, tamamlanamasa bile\u2026<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n ***<\/span><\/p>\n Bazen i\u00e7indeki ya\u015fam s\u00f6k\u00fcl\u00fcp al\u0131n\u0131r senden, ya da sen \u00f6yle hissedersin. Kay\u0131ts\u0131zla\u015f\u0131rs\u0131n hayata, yorgunsundur. Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey yapmak gelmez i\u00e7inden, bir ba\u015fkas\u0131 dahi fazla gelmeye ba\u015flar. Uzun y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015flerde, belki bir sahil \u015feridinde, kafan\u0131 toplamak istersin. Sanki dalgalar \u00e7ekilmi\u015ftir ama bir daha gelmemi\u015ftir, beklersin. Tam kalk\u0131p gitmeye haz\u0131rlan\u0131rken o dalga t\u00fcm kuvvetini toplay\u0131p yeniden gelmektedir \u00fcst\u00fcne, i\u00e7ini ya\u015famla doldurmaya. Tekrar \u00e7ekilmek \u00fczere. Bilemezsin senden al\u0131nan ya\u015fam\u0131n ba\u015fka uzam ve zamanda ne ile yeniden kar\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131kaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131. Ama t\u00fcm kudretiyle tam kar\u015f\u0131nda durdu\u011fu \u00e2nda tan\u0131rs\u0131n onu. Her \u015feyden yan\u0131labilirsin de bir tek ondan yan\u0131lamazs\u0131n. Ben de yan\u0131lmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m seni kar\u015f\u0131mda g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmde. \u0130\u00e7imde kuruyan ne varsa yeniden ya\u011fmura kavu\u015fmu\u015f\u00e7as\u0131na derin bir oh \u00e7ekerken, sensiz ge\u00e7en vaktin bo\u015funal\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hesaplarken, bu defa ya\u015fam\u0131 \u00e7ok daha yak\u0131ndan hissederken yan\u0131lmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Sana ula\u015fmak, sana kar\u0131\u015fmak, seni beslemek ve senden beslenmek arzusuyla dolup ta\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131mda anlam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Sen oldu\u011fun halinle tamd\u0131n. Ben yan\u0131nda yar\u0131mdan da yar\u0131m\u2026 Ben tam olmadan benimle tamamlanamayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hissettirmi\u015ftin bana. \u0130\u015fte kendi taml\u0131\u011f\u0131ma ula\u015fabileyim diye harekete ge\u00e7iriyordun beni varl\u0131\u011f\u0131nla. <\/span>Ancak sende zuhur eden ama kendimde eksik sayd\u0131\u011f\u0131m ne varsa ba\u011f oluyordu aya\u011f\u0131ma. Bu ba\u011flardan kurtulmak i\u00e7in sana do\u011fru att\u0131\u011f\u0131m her ad\u0131mda uzakla\u015f\u0131yordun benden. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc senden bir par\u00e7a koparmam\u0131 de\u011fil, kendi par\u00e7alar\u0131mdan bir b\u00fct\u00fcn olmam\u0131 istiyordun \u00f6nce.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n Seninle y\u00fcr\u00fcmeyi sensiz y\u00fcr\u00fcyebilmeye ba\u011flard\u0131n. Bana da kimseye tutunmadan y\u00fcr\u00fcmeyi \u00f6\u011frettin b\u00f6ylece, t\u0131pk\u0131 kendin gibi. Tek ba\u015f\u0131ma y\u00fcr\u00fcmeye ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131mdaysa art\u0131k yoktun yan\u0131mda. Sana do\u011fru y\u00fcr\u00fcrken att\u0131\u011f\u0131m ad\u0131mlarda bakmaya \u00e7ekindi\u011fim y\u00fcz\u00fcn, hayal meyal hat\u0131rlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir an\u0131ya d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc. \u0130\u00e7ime doldurdu\u011fun ya\u015fam\u0131 \u00e7ekerken benden, geriye elimde bir tek sana (belki hem kendime) yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir mektup b\u0131rakt\u0131n:<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>19 May\u0131s 2019<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n