(Bu yaz\u0131n\u0131n okunmas\u0131 yakla\u015f\u0131k olarak 4 dakika s\u00fcrmektedir.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
(Ufak bir not: Bu yaz\u0131, duygusal manip\u00fclasyonun (body-shaming, love-bombing, gashlighting ve ghosting) ve fl\u00f6rt \u015fiddetinin hayatta kalanlar\u0131na, i\u00e7lerindeki \u00e7ocu\u011fa kavu\u015fmalar\u0131 i\u00e7in ufak bir arma\u011fan, bilgilendirme veya ne olarak faydalanmak isterse. Yaln\u0131z de\u011filiz, yanl\u0131\u015f de\u011filiz.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Geziniyorum, zihnimin arka bah\u00e7elerinde varolu\u015fsal ger\u00e7ekliklerime tebess\u00fcm eden kiraz a\u011fa\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131n aras\u0131nda. \u00d6yle bir tebess\u00fcm ki, sanki b\u00fct\u00fcn mitolojik yeniden do\u011fu\u015f, anka ku\u015fundan gerisin geriye ad\u0131m atarak kiraz \u00e7i\u00e7eklerinin yuvas\u0131 olmu\u015f. Serin bir bahar yeli ile beraber ad\u0131mlar\u0131m\u0131 atarken soruyorum benli\u011fime, \u201cHak ettin mi ger\u00e7ekten? G\u00f6r\u00fclmek, duyulmak u\u011fruna a\u015fa\u011f\u0131lanmalara tebess\u00fcm ettin, \u00fcstelik bu tebess\u00fcm, kiraz a\u011fac\u0131 gibi yeniden do\u011fu\u015fu da getirmedi sana, ya\u015fam\u0131n\u0131n en a\u011f\u0131r suskunlu\u011fu oldu. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc art\u0131k b\u00fct\u00fcn cesaretinle konu\u015fmaktan korkuyorsun, adeta ger\u00e7ekli\u011fine ve \u00f6zg\u00fcvenine tehdit alg\u0131s\u0131 ko\u015fuyormu\u015f\u00e7as\u0131na\u2026\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
B\u00fct\u00fcn bu umudumu ku\u015fatan s\u0131z\u0131y\u0131 tek ger\u00e7ekli\u011fim yapmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan sorgulamalar\u0131mla savrulurken adeta g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcnden savrulan bir u\u00e7urtma gibi, heyecan\u0131 ve sevinci t\u00fcm benli\u011fini kaplam\u0131\u015f olan 5 ya\u015f\u0131mdaki ben ile \u00e7ocuklu\u011fumun en canl\u0131 ne\u015fesiyle kesi\u015fti yolum. Bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131 g\u00fcl\u00fcmsercesine, ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 kiraz a\u011fac\u0131n\u0131n zarif dallar\u0131na bakmak i\u00e7in kald\u0131rd\u0131 ve o esnada, ufak bir esinti ile beraber dal\u0131ndan kusursuz bir ahenkle s\u00fcz\u00fclen kiraz \u00e7i\u00e7ekleri, tenimi ok\u015fad\u0131ktan sonra yepyeni ya\u015famlara gebe olan topra\u011fa d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc. \u201cHayallerinin ve varolu\u015funun pe\u015finden ko\u015fmaya devam et, ba\u015fta ruhundaki ve bedenindeki yaralar olmak \u00fczere nefretin senin ya\u015fam\u0131nda koca oyuklar olu\u015fturdu\u011fu b\u00fct\u00fcn yaralar iyile\u015fecek.\u201d diye f\u0131s\u0131ldarcas\u0131na…<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sanki zihnimdeki, o b\u00fct\u00fcn empoze edilmi\u015f ya\u015fam sevincimin d\u00fc\u015fman\u0131 sesler utanc\u0131ndan kocaman bir sessizli\u011fe b\u00fcr\u00fcnd\u00fc, \u00fcmitle arama \u00f6r\u00fclen duvarlar, bir h\u0131\u015f\u0131mla y\u0131k\u0131lmaya ba\u015flad\u0131. \u00c7ocuklu\u011fum bana yakla\u015fmak i\u00e7in ad\u0131m atarak bana s\u0131ms\u0131k\u0131 sar\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131nda kabustan uyanm\u0131\u015f gibi irkildim ve biraz da \u00fcrperdim fakat hayat\u0131mda duydu\u011fum en b\u00fcy\u00fcl\u00fc t\u0131n\u0131 yank\u0131land\u0131 kulaklar\u0131mda: \u201cBenim birtanem, g\u00fczel k\u0131z\u0131m… L\u00fctfen sakin ol. Ben seni o pervas\u0131zca hapsedilece\u011fin \u00e7\u0131kmazlar girdab\u0131n\u0131n i\u00e7ine \u00e7ekmeye de\u011fil aksine o girdaptan kendimi ve seni, kocaman bir sava\u015f\u0131n i\u00e7ine \u00e7ekmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan, robot g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcml\u00fc o canavardan kurtarmaya geldim.\u201d Dudaklar\u0131ndan d\u00f6k\u00fclen her bir c\u00fcmlenin ard\u0131ndan, y\u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fc avu\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131n aras\u0131na alarak a\u011flamaya ba\u015flad\u0131m sanki bedenime, benli\u011fime m\u0131h gibi \u00e7ak\u0131lan o a\u015fa\u011f\u0131lanmalardan ar\u0131n\u0131yormu\u015f\u00e7as\u0131na. Ard\u0131ndan, s\u0131rt\u0131n\u0131 kiraz a\u011fac\u0131na yaslayan 5 ya\u015f\u0131ndaki benin, dizine yatt\u0131m. \u00d6yle g\u00fczel \u015feyler anlat\u0131yordu ki, asl\u0131nda b\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar\u0131n benim su\u00e7um olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, duygusal manip\u00fclasyonlara maruz b\u0131rak\u0131lmam y\u00fcz\u00fcnden kendime k\u00fcs\u00fcp yabanc\u0131la\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131mdan ama bana bunu yapan\u0131 anlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmamam gerekti\u011fini \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc onun o korkun\u00e7 \u015feytanili\u011fini anlayabilmenin as\u0131l k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fck oldu\u011fundan ve baz\u0131 insanlar\u0131n yaln\u0131zca k\u00f6t\u00fc oldu\u011fundan bahsetti. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yava\u015f yava\u015f karanl\u0131k hakim olurken g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcne \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131 par\u0131ldayan kocaman bir dolunay belirdi \u00fcst\u00fcm\u00fczde ve \u00e7ocuklu\u011fumun sesi yank\u0131land\u0131 etraf\u0131ma: \u201cGitme vaktim geldi fakat \u00fcz\u00fclme, ben, beni g\u00f6rmek istedi\u011fin her an\u0131nda olaca\u011f\u0131m, kalp at\u0131\u015flar\u0131nda hisset beni ihtiya\u00e7 duydu\u011fun her an \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc ben senin benli\u011findeyim, ben bir r\u00fcya bozumu de\u011fil senin ta kendisiyim\u2026\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ona kocaman sar\u0131ld\u0131ktan sonra dolunaya t\u0131rmand\u0131 ve u\u00e7suz bucaks\u0131z karanl\u0131k bulutlar\u0131 ayd\u0131nlatmaya gitti. Evet\u2026 o kadar hakl\u0131yd\u0131 ki, insan olu\u015fum, o k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fc\u011f\u00fc anlamamaktan ge\u00e7iyor. \u015eimdi daha emin ad\u0131mlarla, zihnimde benimle gurur duyan seslerle el ele tutu\u015farak ad\u0131mlar\u0131m\u0131 at\u0131yorum ya\u015fam\u0131mda \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc biliyorum b\u00fct\u00fcn bu ac\u0131 izler korkun\u00e7 manip\u00fclasyonlar\u0131n, beden utand\u0131rmalar\u0131n, bireyin kendi ger\u00e7ekli\u011fini sorgulatacak gashlighting denen i\u015fkencenin eseriydi, b\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar sava\u015f\u0131n eseriydi ama hepsi ge\u00e7ti. \u015eimdi daha \u00e7ok kalp ritimlerimde bana g\u00fcl\u00fcmseyen \u00e7ocuklu\u011fuma ve kendime sar\u0131lma vakti\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yazar: Ceren Yak\u0131c\u0131<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u201cGitme vaktim geldi fakat \u00fcz\u00fclme, ben, beni g\u00f6rmek istedi\u011fin her an\u0131nda olaca\u011f\u0131m, kalp at\u0131\u015flar\u0131nda hisset beni ihtiya\u00e7 duydu\u011fun her an \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc ben senin benli\u011findeyim, ben bir r\u00fcya bozumu de\u011fil senin ta kendisiyim\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":4377,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,4,1],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n