(Bu yaz\u0131n\u0131n okunmas\u0131 yakla\u015f\u0131k olarak 4 dakika s\u00fcrmektedir.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A\u011f\u0131rla\u015fan zaman\u0131n ortas\u0131nda kalman\u0131n ac\u0131s\u0131ndan nas\u0131l bahsedilir, bilmiyorum. Tek d\u00fcze bir \u00e7izgide y\u00fcr\u00fcmenin hafifli\u011finden uzak ve olmayan yanlar\u0131n fazlal\u0131\u011f\u0131nda sert bir duvara toslaman\u0131n h\u0131\u00e7k\u0131r\u0131\u011f\u0131nday\u0131m. Bo\u011faza at\u0131lm\u0131\u015f say\u0131s\u0131z d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmlerin ertesinde, g\u00f6zlerimin ya\u011fmuruna bulut olamam\u0131\u015f olmam\u0131n eksik ve yar\u0131m kalm\u0131\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131nday\u0131m. Dura\u011fanl\u0131ktay\u0131m Sylvia. S\u0131rt\u0131m\u0131 dayad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bu duvar\u0131n k\u00f6\u015fesinde \u00f6ylece izlemelerin ve geri kalm\u0131\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131n sanc\u0131s\u0131yla, savrulu\u015fu bedenimin her zerresinde hissederek uzaklara dalmaktay\u0131m. D\u00f6nen d\u00fcnyan\u0131n d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f h\u0131z\u0131n\u0131 hesaplamakta ve geceyle g\u00fcnd\u00fcz\u00fcn kovalamacas\u0131 aras\u0131nda h\u0131zl\u0131 bir ilerlemeyi var etmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmaktay\u0131m. Sylvia, ben yok olaca\u011f\u0131m g\u00fcn\u00fc beklemekteyim. Her tarafa da\u011f\u0131lan par\u00e7alar\u0131m\u0131n dingin esi\u015fte savrulurkenki halini hayal etmekteyim. Yalpalanan toz tanecikleri gibiler. Bu g\u00fcne kadar \u201cBu benim.\u201d diyemedi\u011fim bir bedenin k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck par\u00e7alara ayr\u0131l\u0131\u015f\u0131nda kendimi g\u00f6r\u00fcyorum. \u00d6yle k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck ve \u00f6yle de\u011fersiz g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyorlar ki! Ben onlar\u0131 k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir \u00e7ocu\u011fun ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 ok\u015farcas\u0131na, art\u0131k olmayan bedenimin g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcne bast\u0131rmay\u0131 istiyorum. Bu nedensizlikler silsilesinin i\u00e7inde k\u0131r\u0131lm\u0131\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131n hazin tad\u0131n\u0131, bir beden \u00fczerinde etkisini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmde, \u201cElbette!\u201d diyorum. Elbette par\u00e7ac\u0131klar haline gelmeleri gerekiyordu. B\u00f6l\u00fcnmenin bilmem ka\u00e7\u0131nc\u0131s\u0131ndan sonra imkans\u0131zla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeden, un ufak tortularla kar\u015f\u0131ma \u00e7\u0131kmalar\u0131 gerekiyordu. \u0130nsan\u0131n bazen k\u0131r\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131 yerde bedenini b\u00fcsb\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00f6rmemesi gerekiyordu. Ruhunu ordan \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131p, kuytu g\u00f6vdenin da\u011f\u0131l\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u015fahit olmal\u0131yd\u0131. \u00c7ocuklu\u011funda yapamad\u0131\u011f\u0131 t\u00fcm yapbozlar\u0131n ac\u0131s\u0131n\u0131, kendi par\u00e7alar\u0131n\u0131 bir bir yerine koyarak bu sanc\u0131l\u0131 da\u011f\u0131l\u0131\u015f\u0131 birle\u015ftirmeli ve u\u00e7urumun kenar\u0131nda buldu\u011fu birka\u00e7 \u00e7i\u00e7e\u011fi aralar\u0131na serpi\u015ftirmeliydi. Fakat Sylvia, zaman\u0131n ne kadar a\u011f\u0131rla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcyorsun. Her g\u00fcn\u00fcn i\u00e7erisinde zaman\u0131 b\u00fckmenin imkans\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131na ra\u011fmen ne kadar \u00e7abalad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcyorsun. Aynalar\u0131n tek par\u00e7a olarak g\u00f6sterdi\u011fi yans\u0131mamdan ne kadar ka\u00e7t\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 biliyorsun. Bunca \u015feyi g\u00f6r\u00fcp biliyorken, beni neden par\u00e7alam\u0131yorsun Sylvia ? Bunu benim yapmam gerekti\u011fini ve bu ger\u00e7eklikten bana ka\u00e7\u0131nc\u0131 kez bahsetti\u011fini sayam\u0131yorum bile ve s\u00f6ylemeni istiyorum; daha ne kadar k\u0131r\u0131lmam gerekiyor? Bu savrulu\u015fun i\u00e7inde daha ne kadar bilmedi\u011fim yerlerin misafirli\u011fini \u00e7ekmem gerekiyor? \u201cZaman ge\u00e7sin de nas\u0131l ge\u00e7iyorsa ge\u00e7sin.\u201d laf\u0131n\u0131 dillimden ka\u00e7 g\u00fcn daha d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcrmemeliyim? Par\u00e7alan\u0131\u015f\u0131n bayram\u0131 dedi\u011fim g\u00fcn\u00fcn \u00f6zleminde, yoklu\u011fumu hazan ya\u011fmurlar\u0131yla y\u0131kad\u0131\u011f\u0131m ve kendi ate\u015fimle kavruldu\u011fum onca zaman\u0131n i\u00e7erisinde daha ne kadar k\u0131r\u0131lmam gerekiyor? Bunu benim i\u00e7in yapamayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilmeme ra\u011fmen kilitli kap\u0131lar arkas\u0131ndan, kap\u0131na el pen\u00e7e yalvar\u0131\u015flar\u0131mla ka\u00e7\u0131nc\u0131 gecenin sabah\u0131nda yorgun bir bedenle oradan uzakla\u015fmal\u0131y\u0131m? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
San\u0131r\u0131m bu sorular\u0131n cevaplar\u0131 yoklu\u011funu hissetti\u011fim g\u00fcn kadar uzak bizlere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Duraca\u011f\u0131m Sylvia, \u00e7i\u00e7eklerin aras\u0131nda durabilece\u011fim tek nokta olan u\u00e7urumlar\u0131n k\u00f6\u015fesinde \u00f6ylece duraca\u011f\u0131m. Bazen manzaram\u0131 de\u011fi\u015ftirmek i\u00e7in di\u011fer taraflara oturaca\u011f\u0131m ama biliyorsun ya, u\u00e7urumun her k\u00f6\u015fesi ayn\u0131 bo\u015flu\u011fa bakar. Ayn\u0131 olan bunca farkl\u0131 bak\u0131\u015f\u0131n i\u00e7inde, bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 tekrar \u00e7i\u00e7eklere y\u00f6neltece\u011fim. \u00c7arpan r\u00fczgar\u0131n g\u00f6vdelerini savurmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rken k\u00f6klerinden nas\u0131l destek ald\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 izleyece\u011fim. Yoklu\u011fun k\u00f6\u015fesinde nas\u0131l da hayat bulduklar\u0131n\u0131 ve \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcn en \u00fccra detaylar\u0131nda nas\u0131l da g\u00fczel olduklar\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rece\u011fim. E\u011fer bir g\u00fcn bu savrulu\u015fun sonuna gelirsem ve kap\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7almazsam Sylvia, pencerenden d\u0131\u015far\u0131ya bak. Sa\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 savu\u015fturan r\u00fczgar\u0131n esintisinde yalpalanan beyaz toz tanelerine bak. Kilitler ard\u0131nda olan senin, kilitlerini k\u0131rmadan o hi\u00e7 kimseye a\u00e7mad\u0131\u011f\u0131n kap\u0131n\u0131 zorlamadan, i\u00e7eriye birka\u00e7 par\u00e7am\u0131n misafirli\u011fini kabul et. Ben gelece\u011fim Sylvia ama \u00f6nce \u00e7i\u00e7eklerimi toplamal\u0131y\u0131m. Kom\u015fu evinde g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm yapbozlar\u0131n uzak izleyi\u015findeki ac\u0131m\u0131, kendi bedenimi toplarkenki ne\u015feye katmal\u0131y\u0131m. Zaman\u0131n ge\u00e7i\u015f h\u0131z\u0131n\u0131 art\u0131k d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeden d\u00f6nen d\u00fcnyaya e\u015flik etmenin hazz\u0131n\u0131 ya\u015fayarak, diyar diyar kendimi aramal\u0131y\u0131m. Bir yere, bir bedene ait olmayan par\u00e7alar\u0131n ne kadar uza\u011fa savrulabilece\u011fini kim bilir, \u00f6yle de\u011fil mi Sylvia? Ben bilece\u011fim ve t\u00fcm par\u00e7alar\u0131 bulman\u0131n u\u011fra\u015f\u0131ndan d\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmde, k\u00f6klerinin savrulu\u015fa izin verdi\u011fi \u00e7i\u00e7ekleri yan\u0131ma ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m vakit, pencerenden i\u00e7eriye giren r\u00fczgara b\u0131rakaca\u011f\u0131m kendimi. Son par\u00e7alar\u0131m\u0131 senden almaya de\u011fil. Bu yapbozun sona b\u0131rak\u0131lan ve \u00e7ocuksu b\u00fcy\u00fck heyecan\u0131na beraber e\u015flik edelim diye. Bana e\u015flik et diye\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Pencereni a\u00e7\u0131k tut Sylvia ve kendine iyi bak, bana iyi bak.. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yazar: Arif Bak\u0131r<\/p>\n\n\n\n