(Bu yaz\u0131n\u0131n okunmas\u0131 yakla\u015f\u0131k 3 dakika s\u00fcrmektedir.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Uyuyunca ge\u00e7ecek sand\u0131\u011f\u0131 s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 sabaha kar\u015f\u0131 saat 5\u2019te kap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. B\u00fcy\u00fck bir halsizlikle ve kramplarla uyand\u0131. Sanki midesinde b\u00fcy\u00fcmeye ba\u015flayan ve masaldaki fasulye gibi durdurulamaz bi\u00e7imde i\u00e7ini kaplayan tohum; t\u00fcm organlar\u0131n\u0131 sarm\u0131\u015f, i\u00e7inden \u00e7\u0131kmaya can atarak g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcs kafesini zorluyordu. K\u0131vranmaktan ve kendini sarsacak kadar derin nefes almaktan ba\u015fka \u00e7aresi yokmu\u015f\u00e7as\u0131na odas\u0131nda beklemeye koyuldu.
Son zamanlarda kendini zihinsel olarak yormu\u015ftu. Benli\u011fini, kendini olu\u015fturan kavramlar\u0131, ya\u015fam\u0131n\u0131, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerini, \u00e7evresini, ge\u00e7mi\u015fi ve gelece\u011fi en ince ayr\u0131nt\u0131s\u0131na kadar hem kabullenmeye hem de de\u011fi\u015ftirmeye odaklanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Biraz durulunca daha rahat nefes alabilmek i\u00e7in penceresini sonuna kadar a\u00e7t\u0131.
Saate g\u00f6z att\u0131ktan sonra yava\u015f ad\u0131mlarla bir yandan istekli bir yandan da korkak halde aynas\u0131n\u0131n kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131na ge\u00e7ti. Bu sefer cevab\u0131 bulmakta kararl\u0131 \u015fekilde aynada kendisini s\u00fczd\u00fc, siyah g\u00f6zleriyle bak\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Yans\u0131mas\u0131 sanki s\u0131rda\u015f\u0131ym\u0131\u015f gibi ona bakarak f\u0131s\u0131lt\u0131yla konu\u015fmaya ba\u015flad\u0131: “Kendimi ne kadar tan\u0131yorum?”
Aynadaki kad\u0131n ona do\u011fru cevab\u0131 verecekti. Onu tan\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in kendisini asla y\u00fcz\u00fcst\u00fc b\u0131rakmayaca\u011f\u0131na inan\u0131yordu. Bir s\u00fcre bak\u0131\u015ft\u0131lar. Da\u011f\u0131n\u0131k sa\u00e7lar\u0131 ve \u015fi\u015fmi\u015f g\u00f6zleriyle sabah\u0131n hafif \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131nda olduk\u00e7a ho\u015f g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyordu, sab\u0131rs\u0131z g\u00f6zlerle bakmasa o zaman daha da ho\u015f olabilirdi.
Dayanamay\u0131p derin solu\u011funu h\u0131zl\u0131ca b\u0131rakt\u0131 ve yine f\u0131s\u0131lt\u0131yla yans\u0131mas\u0131na sordu: “Kendimi ne kadar tan\u0131yorum?”
Huzursuz bir k\u0131pra\u015fman\u0131n ard\u0131ndan bir cevab\u0131n geldi\u011fini anlad\u0131, ikisi de kendini toparlayarak a\u011fz\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7t\u0131: “Her sabahki rutinimi, g\u00fcn i\u00e7indeki aktivitelerimi ve neler yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 bildi\u011fim i\u00e7in kendimi olduk\u00e7a iyi tan\u0131yorum. Ya\u015f\u0131m \u015furada bir ay sonra 45\u2019i dolduracak, hayat ve i\u015f tecr\u00fcbem benim ya\u015f\u0131mdaki di\u011fer ki\u015filere g\u00f6re kitap yaz\u0131l\u0131p bas\u0131lacak kadar \u00e7ok.”
Her ikisi de sustu, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeye ba\u015flad\u0131lar. Peki ba\u015fka neler ya\u015fand\u0131? Belki duygular\u0131 hakk\u0131nda konu\u015fabilirlerdi: “Mutlu bir haber ald\u0131\u011f\u0131mda her zaman yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m ilk \u015fey g\u00f6zlerimi fal ta\u015f\u0131 gibi a\u00e7\u0131p g\u00fclen a\u011fz\u0131m\u0131 elimle kapatarak kahkahalar atmak olmu\u015ftur.”
Bir an kendiyle \u00e7eli\u015fti\u011fini hat\u0131rlad\u0131 ve durdu \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc bir keresinde mutlu bir haber ald\u0131\u011f\u0131nda ilk tepkisi yanaklar\u0131ndan s\u00fcz\u00fclen ya\u015flar\u0131 elleriyle silmek olmu\u015ftu ve bir ba\u015fka mutlu olayda yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131 ilk \u015fey yan\u0131ndaki yak\u0131n arkada\u015f\u0131na s\u0131ms\u0131k\u0131 sar\u0131lmakt\u0131. Tek bir duygu bile kendisine bu kadar \u00e7ok farkl\u0131 tepki tatt\u0131rd\u0131ysa demek ki daha vermedi\u011fi bir\u00e7ok tepki vard\u0131. Bunu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcnce tekrar derin derin soluk almaya ba\u015flad\u0131.
Yine g\u00f6z g\u00f6ze geldiler. O g\u00f6zlerde her \u015fey apa\u00e7\u0131k ortada olmas\u0131na ra\u011fmen sihirli bir giz vard\u0131. A\u00e7\u0131k olan tek \u015fey o gizi g\u00f6rebilmesiydi.
Y\u00fcz\u00fcnde buruk g\u00fcl\u00fcmsemesiyle dald\u0131\u011f\u0131 noktadan ge\u00e7mi\u015fin tatl\u0131 h\u00fczn\u00fcyle ayr\u0131ld\u0131. Akl\u0131na gen\u00e7lik y\u0131llar\u0131ndaki sevgilisi gelmi\u015fti. “Acaba evlilik hayat\u0131m olsayd\u0131 nas\u0131l olurdu ya da bir \u00e7ocu\u011fa sahip olsayd\u0131m nas\u0131l bir anne olurdum?” sorular\u0131yla yeniden yans\u0131mas\u0131na g\u00f6zlerini dikti. Bu sorular\u0131n cevaplar\u0131 yoktu \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc bunlar\u0131 hi\u00e7 ya\u015famam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Bir ara evine ona arkada\u015f olsun diye k\u00f6pek almay\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc. Hatta internetten cinsine g\u00f6re isim bile bakm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 ancak sonra bu sorumlulu\u011fu alamayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcp vazge\u00e7mi\u015fti. Oysaki \u00e7ok isterdi eve geldi\u011finde sallanan t\u00fcyleriyle ona ko\u015fan tatl\u0131 yumu\u015fac\u0131k bir ev arkada\u015f\u0131n\u0131. Bu k\u0131sa hayallerin b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131 hislerin mutlulu\u011fu, saf duygudan mant\u0131\u011fa ge\u00e7ince yerini \u00fcz\u00fcnt\u00fcye b\u0131rak\u0131yordu.
Akl\u0131na, ya\u015famad\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in kendini \u015fansl\u0131 sayd\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir durum geldi. Yak\u0131nlar\u0131ndan birini kaybetmemi\u015fti. Fakat yine kendini tan\u0131mada eksik oldu\u011funu anlad\u0131, b\u00f6yle bir durumda nas\u0131l bir tepki verirdi acaba? Sonunda yava\u015f yava\u015f i\u00e7indeki kumlar\u0131 ele\u011finden ge\u00e7irdi\u011fini ve elekte kalan minik alt\u0131n par\u00e7alar\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fc.
45 ya\u015f\u0131na gelmi\u015f olmas\u0131na ra\u011fmen kendini sadece %7 tan\u0131yordu. Ya\u015famad\u0131\u011f\u0131 binlerce “ke\u015fke”si ve “iyi ki”leri vard\u0131. Ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 durumlara ise farkl\u0131 tepkiler verdi\u011finde kendini tan\u0131ma oran\u0131 az \u00e7ok artm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Belki baz\u0131 \u015feyler i\u00e7in \u00e7ok ge\u00e7ti, baz\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 ya\u015famad\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in \u015f\u00fckrediyordu ama kalan \u00f6mr\u00fcnde sadece kendini tan\u0131ma pahas\u0131na da olsa t\u00fcm hayat\u0131n\u0131 tersine \u00e7evirmekte karar k\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncesiyle g\u00fcne\u015fin ayd\u0131nlatt\u0131\u011f\u0131 aynadaki kad\u0131na bakt\u0131: “45 y\u0131l boyunca yaln\u0131zca ya\u015famak i\u00e7in ya\u015fam\u0131\u015f\u0131m, kendimden bihaber\u2026 \u00d6ld\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmde mezar ta\u015f\u0131mda sadece do\u011fum ve \u00f6l\u00fcm tarihim yer alacak. Oysa ben bu say\u0131lar\u0131n haricinde kendimi tan\u0131ma y\u00fczdemle ba\u015f ba\u015fa kalaca\u011f\u0131m. Benimki ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m y\u0131l de\u011fil, ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131n say\u0131s\u0131 olacak.”
S\u00f6zlerinin ard\u0131ndan haz\u0131rlanarak i\u015flerinin biraz bekleyebilece\u011fi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncesiyle arabas\u0131na bindi ve ya\u015famak istediklerine do\u011fru yola \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131.
Yazar: Beyza Nur F\u0131nd\u0131kc\u0131<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
“Belki baz\u0131 \u015feyler i\u00e7in \u00e7ok ge\u00e7ti, baz\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 ya\u015famad\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in \u015f\u00fckrediyordu ama kalan \u00f6mr\u00fcnde sadece kendini tan\u0131ma pahas\u0131na da olsa t\u00fcm hayat\u0131n\u0131 tersine \u00e7evirmekte karar k\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncesiyle g\u00fcne\u015fin ayd\u0131nlatt\u0131\u011f\u0131 aynadaki kad\u0131na bakt\u0131.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":52,"featured_media":2906,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,4],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n